The myth of “In the Best Interest of the Child” #TotalReform
When you enter the realm of Family Court and Parental Alienation you will be met by a plethora of people and services using the phrase “In the Best Interest of the Child” which is a myth. Why is it a myth because nothing the court or associated services do is 2in the best interest of the child”. In my eyes it should be replaced with “in the best interest of an easy exit route” should be the new phrase.
Like many of us who have gone through the secret family court and let me tell you it is very secret! Don’t be under any illusion that justice will be served for you and your child as the non-resident parent. You’re probably sitting there thinking you have loads of evidence to prove why you should be in your child’s life and that once it has been produced to the court they will see what you have been through. Yes, that is how it should work but unfortunately, in reality, it does not work like that.
You will be lied to and will meet Social Services and CAFCASS on your journey to seeing your children (or not). Most, not all will be very polite and seem very supportive at the beginning which will give you a false sense of security. Then they will submit their reports to the court which you could say is a knife your back is at the entrance of the court. In order for them to get that report into the court, they need to go through you, with your back in the way. This is the polite way of my saying what will happen when you read your reports.
What I have experienced myself and what I have seen with other members/clients the term “In the Best Interest of the Child” is a myth and a smoke screen to provide you with false security. I wish people would be honest about their assessments and just say as much as we would like to help you. We would rather listen and believe the lies we are told in order to have an easy life and wrap these court proceedings up as quick as possible.
I might not like what I hear but at least they would get my respect and not use the term “In the Best Interest of the Child” to smokescreen me. Parental Alienation is a real probably which most Social Service workers and CAFCASS officers can’t identify. Even when identified they are scared to act upon it which leaves you the loving parent without any options to see your child.
Did you know that Parental Alienation is now recognised by the ICD – 11
The World Health Organisation has included “Parental Alienation” in its new International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) which was released on June 18, 2018.
The index entry of parental alienation and estrangement means that the ICD-11 recognises the reality of Parental Alienation for Irish children and families.
Parental Alienation is characterised as occurring “when a child/ren allies himself or herself strongly with the caregiver (the alienating or aligned party) and rejects the relationship with the other parent or parents (the targeted or alienated parent or parents) without legitimate justification despite a previous warm and loving relationship. The primary behavioural symptom is the child’s refusal to have contact with the targeted parent or parents”
Parental alienation and estrangement is described as substantial and sustained dissatisfaction within a caregiver-child relationship associated with significant disturbance in functioning.
The literature suggests that parental alienation disproportionately affects young people whose parents are experiencing high conflict relationship breakdowns and predominantly children in state care or adoption. The effects and outcomes usually have a lifelong negative effect on the child. This is manifested in psychological and physical co-morbidities, including, but not limited to, addiction, crimes and suicide.
Neuroplasticity in children can occur with ongoing negative aspects when the child is taught to adopt a dichotomous (black and white thinking) thought process of one parent good one parent bad programming. The neurological effects can have consequences including psychological and cognitive deficits.
Systemic Family Psychotherapist, Brian O Sullivan agrees that Parental Alienation has been a significant psychological and emotional challenge for young people in Ireland affecting them across their life span and on into their families of creation in future generations for some time now, the inclusion of parental alienation in the ICD – 11 is the next appropriate step.
Parental Alienation Support Worker, Andries van Tonder of APS has said that he welcomed the inclusion in the DSM 5 under different terminology, but is now rejoicing in the knowledge that parental alienation has been officially included in the ICD -11 under the code QE52.
There are thousands of Irish families experiencing parental alienation and asking for help. Formal recognition of parental alienation by the ICD – 11 will encourage further research and resources being committed to combating the problem.
Several other conditions that can be associated with parental alienation are listed in ICD-11. Hereunder are some other applicable codes:
QD5Y Other specified problems associated with finances. (Situation caused by exorbitant legal, court reports and therapeutic fees the parent have to pay)
QD71 Problems associated with housing. (Situation after separation or otherwise caused)
QD82 Problem associated with threat of job loss. (Court attendances, stress related illnesses)
QE03 Social exclusion or rejection. (by community or family)
QE60 Absence of family member. (child or parent)
QE61 Disappearance or death of family member (child or parent)
QE62 Uncomplicated bereavement (due to loss of child or parent)
Why do people alienate? (just a few examples)
Clawar (2014) suggests that the following are some of the most common reasons why parents engage in alienation –
• Fear of losing the child
• Proprietary perspective (ownership)
• Child support
• Loss of identity
• Out of sight, out of mind
• Maintaining the marital/adult relationship through conflict
• Power, influence, control, and domination
• Learned Behaviour
• Personality disorder (borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, obsessive-compulsive)
• Parental omnipotence and malleability of the child
• The Asch and Milgram studies
So, the World Health Organisation can recognise it but the people you rely on in court can’t! I know it’s a really bizarre situation but it is the truth most people don’t want to recognise it as it will add to their workloads and ultimately could end up with the removal of a child/ren due to emotional abuse.
My advice is to keep it consistent when talking to the court and associated services and don’t back down as they will try to tell you that your ex-partner is just being difficult and not PA. You can request in court for a psychological evaluation when allegations of mental illness or personality disorder need to be investigated.
The other key phrases you might also come across is “high conflict” and “complex” which will be used a lot when someone does not know what to do or scared to make a real decision.
A storm is coming and it’s going to get bumpy! #TotalReform
As a parent, the worst thing you could ever do is stop another parent from seeing their child/ren. This also goes for anyone else that is attached to it or facilitates it. People power is one of the strongest powers in the world it does matter who you are or what position you hold do not go against the people.
I deal with parental alienation and false allegation cases on a daily basis and I would say around 85%-90% are identical. That is a very high percentage on the balance of things and how do they all start with parental alienation. The angry bitter parent with care decides that they don’t want the other parent around because they are hurt and angry (yes in most cases that is it) nothing more.
This can cause an awful amount of anxiety and stress for the non-resident parent to deal with after having a close loving relationship with their child/ren. So, in order for the non-resident parent to see their kids, they have to apply to the courts for a c100 or equivalent for a child arrangements order to be able to see their kids.
In the majority of cases two things happen next which all of them have similar patterns, the police will be contacted with false allegations of harassment, domestic violence or child abuse. I know right how sick is that the person you decided to have a child with has now called the police and made these horrendous allegations about you.
Then comes Child Support/Maintenance, yes it comes in as soon as or just before you submit that c100 form for access. You’re probably reading this and thinking but why if you are the birth parent of the child/ren do you have to go to court to see your own child! I am still trying to figure that out myself but unfortunately the so-called “system” supports it. So not only do you have the stress of not seeing your child/ren but you now have court and child support on your back for a child you are not allowed to see.
The alienator knows if they stop the other parent from seeing the child/ren their payments increase and so does the fees child support/maintenance collect. So that is why child support/maintenance actively encourage parents with care not to speak or communicate with the other parent. Again you might think this can’t be right, unfortunately, it is and has been challenged on open letters and freedom of information requests.
All the cases I deal with are all following suit and this is where people power have come into play. You are now forcing people to come together to discuss their cases and share information which is a very very big mistake. You are now handing the power back to the people and sure enough, they will act upon it and combat the injustice you have created.
People are fed up of this cycle continuing which is having a massive impact on people’s mental health, finances and general well-being. The storm is coming, watch this space!
The Total Reform campaign was started by the Cornerstone Community Alliance to not only bring awareness but also campaign for real law changes. In 2018 we are still suffering from the same injustices we did two to three decades ago and nothing has changed with regards to balancing the system including meaningful law changes. They talk about equality but do not make the necessary changes to make things equal as having an imbalance within society creates a monetary industry. There are ways to make money as a business yes but not on the misery and pain of others who just want to live normal lives and have the people they care about in there lives.
Cornerstone Community Alliance, CCA, was formed by us, a group of parents, grandparents and organisations of family rights. Together, we campaign for the “best outcomes for our own children, your children and grandchildren”.
This is our campaign
We have partnered with some great campaigners and support groups most recently the Peace Not Pas team. They have an incredible network of support for people experiencing Parental Alienation and the mental health issues that some people experience from it. You can read more here click here
We would really appreciate your support by changing your social media profile pictures to show your support for Total Reform. Remember without your continued support we would not have made it this far and we thank you all for that, we really appreciate it.
We still have a long way to go and we are reaching the right people but now we need to show them we mean business.
Please download one of the two images below to show your support for our campaign and whenever you post on social media with regards to our campaign please use the hashtag #TotalReform
The reason why no celebrity or government official on our father’s rights / equal rights movement is because it is not in their interest. Why do you ask? Due to the amount of money that is made from it and how many celebs and government officials have jumped on women’s rights movements they ignore the facts about men. I do believe some of them actually think we are doing this just to distract them from the women’s rights movements.
Let’s make this clear women’s rights are just as important as men’s and I believe everyone should be living an equal life. There should be no gender bias anywhere but that is just my own personal opinion unfortunately that does not make financial sense in the eyes of the government and law.
So, let’s look at some statistics and this is for the year of 2016 England & Wales by the office of national statistics –
• There were 106,959 divorces of opposite-sex couples in 2016, an increase of 5.8% compared with 2015.
• The divorce rate for opposite-sex couples was highest among men aged 45 to 49 and women in their thirties (ages 30 to 39).
Now some of you may be thinking that this is not allot in comparison to our population, just remember this is only what is officially gone through the courts. It does not account for people that are married but just separated and normal breakups are not accounted for. For me, that figure is too high and I am sure it will get higher over years to come. Why do I think it will increase, we don’t promote positive relationships and marriages. If you look at the media it’s always showing some celeb getting divorced or having a breakup with large amounts of financial settlements being discussed.
Your thinking what is this actually promoting? It is saying if you choose your man wisely it could be very profitable for you and everyone concerned, solicitors, barristers, family court, child maintenance services and every estate agents get a piece. The other key thing it promotes is parental alienation, if you as the women alienate the father you will receive more money. Do you remember the days when people used to say the more babies you have the more money you get in benefits? The same principle applies to parental alienation the law supports you alienating the father from their children which in turn allows you to claim more money!
If you did 50/50 co-parenting you would get little or nothing as a mother in terms of financial support so it would not be in the mother’s interest to do that. Yes, it is about money for a lot of women, not all but allot so that is why you will see a rise in CMS claims against fathers. It is being used as a weapon and has been for decades but CMS know if they make a fair system for all it probably will not have a business as it business model is built on fathers not having access! That is why they will always state it’s a separate issue and say if you want to see your kids you have to go to COURT! How about before you as the CMS actually contact the fathers and speak to them with respect and ask them for their side, if they do not have access to their child due to parental alienation, application denied! How about that? No, because it is not how their business model works and it would not be able to sustain itself as a business if that happened.
What about the women that serial marry rich men and divorce them for money? Nothing, technically this would be fraud but it would be difficult to prove and most men don’t even think about it. They are far too distracted with the divorce/breakup and whether or not they will ever see their kids again.
We need to change the laws and the perception of marriage/relationships for anything to really improve. Until then it will always be a money-making industry which seems to only affect the men mainly with our gender bias family court system. We ourselves as businesses need to start abiding by our own Human Rights and Equality Act laws and stop abusing and manipulating the system.
So, today I called around to see what support fathers would get with regards to family law cases for seeing their children. I was told under no circumstances will any legal aid be available for anything relating to family law as it has been cut. This made me think, we as fathers are forced to go to court to see our children but yet we don’t have the money to go to court yet that is the only way we will see our children? I know right does not make any sense!
So when you speak to a public servant or someone in a government agency and they say something to you like “yeah I’m sorry about that but you will need to go to court if you want to see your child or contest anything” but what they don’t tell you is that you will not be eligible for any support or legal aid. We know you have no money to go to court but unfortunately, you will need to find it to hire a solicitor as we cannot help you.
I have been fighting for fathers rights for approximately 10 years and the system is getting progressively worse and the gender bias gap is getting bigger. This triggered an idea, we will need to set up a fund for the father’s rights campaigners, alienated parents and grandparents. This will be the only way we will be able to sustain the legal challenges we need and help parents to see their alienated children and challenge the human rights breaches and equality breaches.
What we will need is the following accountants, business advisors, financial advisors or ex-specialists will also be able to help. We will need the correct business model to make sure that priority cases get dealt with first and so on.
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I love seeing all this positivity today with all the father's day posts. It is wonderful to see and I am thankful we have such great positive fathers out there! Fills my heart with so much joy ❤️ well done daddies. Keep it up 👏🏾 #fathersday