We have entered 2019 and I have been monitoring our newspapers and media sources and the story seems to still be the same. All men and fathers are perpetrators and abusers they seem to be focusing on the few and branding all men with the same brush. This narrative is a very dangerous one as the majority of men/fathers are very good and law abiding. Now if you look at demographics if there are more men than women, of course, it would seem like men are to blame for everything!
So, if the tables were turned and there were more women than men it would be exactly the same thing. What if we flipped the script and the media focused on all the bad mums, paedophile women and the women that caused domestic violence? How would the general public, courts and government agencies respond to them? Would it be unbiased or would this form of brainwashing produced by the media influence peoples decisions!
I would think the latter personally and I don’t blame women for behaving the way they do towards men as they can’t get away from it. It is literally forced down your throat as a woman on a daily basis and there is no escape from the DV and DA narrative. I am not taking anything away from the genuine cases at all but not EVERY single man is the same. Even as a woman you are not immune from it as if you have any boys within your family they will be tarnished with the same brush. It might be fine while they are babies and early teens but as soon as they come of age the rules will change.
As a mother you can say all day long I will bring up my son to be different he will not get involved with all the things that the media print. Unfortunately, it does not work like that as you have a son that is all that is needed for him to be tarnished with the same brush. He could be an excellent child and a very good man but at the end of the day, he is still a man. If you don’t believe me read the stories of fathers in family court, monitor the media and see how many stories are focused on men causing DV/DA and how many stories are on women causing DV/DA.
You will see practically none on women and this is for many reasons there is a myth around men not being capable of being in a relationship with DV/DA committed by a woman. If it is a man he will be embarrassed to come forward because of the stigma surrounding it and 9 times out of 10 he will probably be arrested himself for reporting. As it is not the norm for a man to report DV/DA to the police so it is easier to arrest him as the perpetrator and deal with the consequences later. The lack of support and safe havens for men is practically non-existent, so it will, in turn, be under-reported.
Trying to be a father over the last 10 years has gone from bad to worse and if you are a dad in a happy relationship you are still not immune to it. If anything should happen and hopefully it will never happen to you, but if it did you will see how the society you believed to be equal is far from it and your world will be turned upside down. It will be financially, emotionally and mentally put you in a place which you never thought would have been possible.
You will look back at that conversation you had with your partner/ex-partner when she said to you let’s try for a baby and build a family unit. That conversation where you thought it was all equal and you both chose to have that child means absolutely nothing if you should split up. We need to encourage fatherhood and equality to bring our society into the 21st century and remove us from this biased dark ages whereby men as only seen as breadwinners and not caregivers. If we don’t change the script fatherhood will become extinct and there will be kids running around the streets without role models and father figures to balance them out. Being a parent should consist of two loving people wanting the best and doing the best for their children whether they are together or not!
Parental Alienation Psychological Impact on Children
When we think of Parental Alienation we immediately think of the immediate parents and not the children or siblings to the alienation. As parents, all we try to do is protect the siblings with excuses after excuses as we try to protect them from the psychological effects of losing their sibling.
Sometimes we underestimate the extent of damage caused suddenly when a child is separated from a parent or sibling. While surfing online I found a video I wanted you to see from some researches in the US on the effects of a child being separated from a parent.
Inside the Brains of Children Separated from Parents
From the above video, you can see the effects of a child being separated from a parent has on them. Every day a child is separated from a parent for one reason or another but is it a justified reason or is it orchestrated by a spiteful bitter person. A person who cannot see past their own anger then rather see their child happy with both parents in their lives. Can someone’s anger be so much more important than your child’s mental health and well-being?
A child does not ask to be brought into the world that decision is made by two loving parents at the time and regardless of their personal situation that love should always remain with the child and child’s best interest. Then the poor child is dragged through a system of courts and government agencies that cause more stress and strain by the parents, which in some cases do not have a choice.
If one of the parents decides to move away or disappear with the child to spite the other person, why are they not pursued by the government agencies whereby enforcing contact with the bitter spiteful alienator. Why is it so easy to rip a child from a loving home with siblings and grandparents because one side of the family is upset with the other. The law should be onside of the child and the alienated parent to make sure the long-term effects of another person’s actions do not psychologically damage the child and alienated parent.
To sum up what it feels like as an alienated parent who loses a child that is alive is a constant sense of grief! You grieve every day, you feel hollow and that you are just a shell of a person that is waiting to feel complete. Sleepless nights and stress that feels like your head is going to explode with no escape.
Summed up nicely in this quote
“I’d thought those memories would be the ones I always cherished, but as the days and years passed by, those beautiful memories became my pain.”
I just wanted to end this post with a video of how children feel when they are alienated from a parent.
As a father when you visit a solicitor or family court, do you feel like you’re speaking to robots or get scripted answers? I do, I visited a solicitor today and as soon as you sit down you’re already being prejudged. They ask you, so what’s happened then? As soon as you tell them you can see their faces drop and eyes start rolling. Not another father complaining about not seeing his children boring, let me get the scripted answers out now and send him on his way!
The thing that infuriates me is if they know this is a problem why are they not doing anything about it? Oh sorry, it’s a big money spinner that is why and the fathers pay the bill for legal support so why would we want to stop that! When need mothers to disappear with their kids to prop up the family court system, if they didn’t the family court would crumble due to no money or funding.
It’s bizarre that fathers don’t see this, I went through the motions today like I always do. As I know what they will say, So Mr Sheppard “if you want to see your kids you will have to go to court”, I replied, “as the biological father why should I have to go to court every time I want to see my child?”. The solicitor’s reply was “unfortunately that is the way it is” I said not it isn’t and that is not how it should be and this is why I campaign for change.
Fathers/Dads you really need to wake up and smell the latte, we are being forced into a financial/court trap that the only person that wins is the Family Court system. I cannot believe in 2018 fathers are still facing the same issue as me when I started my court battles 10 years ago! Absolutely nothing has changed and this is why our children are a mess, being forced into the court system because fathers have no choice!
We don’t have an issue with the courts bringing up our kids but yet we are crying out for fathers to take more responsibility. When the judge makes his assessment of the court case “it will be made in the best interest of the child” well the best interest of the child would be not having to end up in court in the first place, no?
Sometimes I wonder how do you fix such a broken system that forces fathers to be part of such a corrupt broken system that penalises you for loving your children.
As you are all aware that my petition/campaign will be starting shortly. One thing I have always wanted to know is, why is talking and raising awareness about divorce and breakups such a taboo subject? No one seems to want to discuss or campaign for change but yet they are all happy to moan about it to friends and family! The main reason why it needs to be talked about and changed is the effect it has on children involved and mental health.
I am sick and tired of hearing the same old stories with no real change in the legal system and child maintenance services. We need fundamental changes to benefit everyone and remove the stigma attached to divorce and brake-ups. So, let’s start talking about and make some real changes that benefit everyone and not just one parent. Children seem to always be forgotten during breakups and 80% of the time the father with experience parental alienation during divorce/breakup.
This can have and has had serious mental health effects on the father long term and can lead to deep depression and even suicide in some cases. I want this to stop, no one has the right to stop a father from seeing his child(ren) unless he is deemed a risk which will have the appropriate legal paperwork to support it. Otherwise, all fathers should have and always have access to his children without the mind games and children being used as weapons.
Please support my campaign for real change not assumed father rights just because he is on the birth certificate.
Did you know fathers would be happier to pay child support if they actually had access to there child(ren)? Due to parental alienation and fathers deliberately being stopped from seeing their child(ren) they are more reluctant to pay anything towards that child! Let’s change this mindset and make real changes to family law, child maintenance and peoples general perception of fathers.
Even if you don’t fully support what I am doing I want you to at least understand my message!
When you were first born, I was so excited
To see your little face I was so delighted,
I held you in my arms and promised to keep you safe,
I knew in my world I would make you first place
When I first picked you up it brought a tear to my eye,
Deep inside I cried and cried
The joy I had bringing you into this world
I have never felt so proud and some much reward
I watched you grow day by day
When you said you first dada
I just melted I can honestly say
I knew the love I had would never fade away
I went to work and could not wait to get home
To hear the pitta patta of your tiny feet shouting daddy at the door
No matter what day I had I know I loved you more
You brought a smile to my face to which I could not ignore
I knew then what it meant to be a parent
That feeling of love and overwhelment
I have never loved anyone or anything like I have loved you
So this is my poem to let you know, I will never forget you
You might not be here with me now
But you will always be in my heart and memories
One day I hope I can just be a father without the fight
I love you, my babies, as I say goodnight
A part-time father is what we will only ever be
They took away my ideal of being a family can’t you see
The stress and emptiness is a daily occurrence
But they don’t care as long as there is no interference
I will never stop loving you and just wanted you to know
Sometimes it’s just easier in a poem I hope to show
You are and will always be part of me
As when we are together you bring out the best of me
Written by Mark Sheppard (in loving memory of his beautiful babies)