Dear Amelia, this was written for all the mums and dads out there who have that unconditional love for their children.
If you have ever lost a child or had one taken away from you due to a spiteful ex partner I feel your pain. I have two beautiful daughters, one named Isis and another named Amelia. These kids are my life, everything I do is for them and always will be. Unfortunately, when a relationship breaks down one or both parties can be left with a bitter taste.
I was the one left with an extremely bitter taste mainly because my ex partner took my daughter away from me and disappeared. To put it into context, I spent nearly two years of my daughter’s life (Amelia) doing everything I could for her. We had an extremely close father and daughter bond like no other. Everyday I woke up I thought to myself, I have the best kids in the world! I know every parent says this, but I genuinely believed that I did.
Each day to hear Amelia shout daddy, daddy, daddy and run up to me for a kiss and a cuddle would melt my heart. Whenever I would watch Arsenal play football she would run over to me and sit next to me and watch it. As soon as Arsenal scored I would jump up and scream with excitement and she would do the same (so funny to watch). You see she loved me and I hope she still does. I also hope she has not forgotten me either but deep down I know she probably has. This not by being her fault but due to the circumstances.
Seeing how excited she got to see me when I got home from work. To see her little face smile when I had a hard day at work gave me strength I never knew I had. I can’t explain how one little persons smile could make my day complete. Having that suddenly taken away from me is like having a piece of your heart ripped from my chest and flushed down the toilet. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy the constant feeling of loss.
I know I am not the first father or the last father to experience this sort of thing. I would like to plead to all women out there for a couple of things. Please do not use your child as a weapon in a breakup. I understand you might get angry and want to get back at an ex but please do not use the children to do it!
We live in a society full of broken homes and children where this could be avoided. I have seen how situations like this have caused dad’s to break down with mental health issues, suicide, depression and generally broken. Not all men are the same and not all men can handle the loss of a child. Regardless of your personal issues with each other the child/children deserve to see both parents full stop. Unless there is a risk to the child and it’s deemed not safe.
Dear Ameila my beautiful smiley daughter, I will never forget you or stop loving you. Just because I have to do the out of sight, out of mind scenario does not mean I have forgotten you. To ease the daily heartache and pain is why I have to do it. You are part of me and the love I have for you has no boundaries. I am sorry for the way you were taken away from me and one day we will be reunited. I love you with all my heart, my beautiful daughter.
Love from your doting father.
I can honestly say as a single father myself we never give ourselves enough credit. We work extremely hard to make a better life for our kids but never really get any thanks for it. When was the last time someone brought you flowers, chocolates, aftershave or booked you a spa retreat? Why can men not receive these things because it’s not the norm? It is assumed that as a man we have to do these things for the woman which I am sure most men have done when in relationships.
So who praises you when your a single father? Probably no one, after a break up whether its a divorce or relationship split who is better off?
Unfortunately, the woman wins every time, you will lose your child, money, dignity and more than likely your possessions. By me writing this it’s not to be negative about the situation as every situation is different and may warrant a different approach. The moment either one of you decides to split and especially if one of the persons were cheating or planning to cheat. I can guarantee the situation will become hostile. Even if the man is the innocent party you will still lose out.
A woman will never understand the feeling of having your child taken away from you out of spitefulness and selfishness. Due to the courts in the UK favouring women did you know you ex-partner is allowed by law to disappear with your child and she does not have to provide you with an address as to where they are!
If you as a father want to see your child ultimately you will have to either go to court and hire a very expensive solicitor to track down your ex-partner and child. Yes, you heard me correctly you lose again and will have to pay even more money to be a father to your child. You can not get the authorities involved as it is not classified a kidnapping as the whole situation happened after a split and will be classified as a domestic incident. You as the father will be advised to seek legal advice and go to court.
Now, switch the scenario around if you as the father decided you want to look after the child and you did what your ex-partner did and disappeared with the child. Yes, you’re right you as the father of the child would be hunted down by the authorities like a fugitive from the law automatically favours the woman. You will more than likely get arrested and would be very lucky to not get charged with the kidnapping of your own child.
So the stress of being a single father will continue probably for the rest of your life due to the obvious imbalance of the legal system. Even if you meet another partner your ex will always pursue the imbalance of the legal system and play you like a fiddle. You will at some point in your life get referred to by your ex to the child maintenance service (debt collectors). Why do I call them debt collectors, unfortunately, that is what they are.
They are rude, condescending and unhelpful as they automatically favour the person submitting the claim and are not interested in anything you have to say. So be prepared for a long drawn-out battle and added stress when they get involved, remember they don’t care if you have access to your child or not. They are only interested in collecting money and in my eyes essentially glorified debt collectors.
So, let’s talk about solutions and not problems anymore as I think you catch my drift about what happens when you become a single father. Firstly, losing your kids and going through a breakup can become very lonely and distressing. I can make you anti-women and like you are in a dark place you can not get out of. If you feel like this please please please ask for help. Speak to your GP and see if they can refer you to a counsellor, so you can talk through how you feel and try to resolve the issues.
There are charities out there that can also support and guide you when dealing with breakups and losing your children. Do a comprehensive Google or Bing search to locate these charities. Once your head is in the right place its time to rebuild and re-invent yourself. Take time out work out your finances and how you will progress things, so a short holiday or visiting family abroad or something may help.
I cannot stress enough GET legal advice as this will be the only option for you as anything else will more than likely be seen as a criminal act in the eyes of the law. Breakups and losing access to your children can bring on depression and other mental health problems within men. So always speak to someone whether it be a family member, friend or a professional.
My last bit of advice do not rush into another relationship until you have fully resolved your last as it could make you worse. Take time out to reinvent yourself, go travelling or find some new hobbies to distract you. Once you have reached a certain level within yourself then you can explore dating again, remember there is no rush and in order to make someone happy you must make yourself happy first.
I could literally talk about this forever so if you want to have a chat with me feel free to comment on the post or send me an email.
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