I am not sure where to start with this letter to you, even now writing this is so painful. I guess the first thing I want you to know is how much I love you and miss you. There is not a day that goes by my heart does not break because I can’t see your beautiful face. I can’t hug or kiss you and make you feel safe and loved. It’s been a long time since I saw you last and it feels like I have failed you in so many ways.
I guess the first thing you would want to know is why you have not seen me, unfortunately, that is something only your mother can answer. When you were born, I felt an overwhelming feeling of love for you only something another father would know. Having a child is very emotional and immediately when I saw your little face the love and emotion I felt took over. I cried, I smiled and never thought I could love someone so much.
I knew from that dad I was going to do everything in my power to be the best dad I could be for you and your mum. We were very close as you grew up and we spent a lot of time together which is what I wanted more than anything in this world. My job was very stressful but knowing I was coming home to your little cheeky face, I knew I could handle anything at work.
You were loving, cheeky, strong-willed, mischievous and energetic. We use to go out on trips to the park and have picnics together quite a lot. I loved spending my days off from work with you, it made me so happy. Did you know as a baby you very rarely cried? I can remember seeing one of our neighbours and they said “I did not realise you had a baby she is so quiet” I laughed so hard because it was true. You were so well behaved and never caused issues until you were hungry like me lol. The thing I miss the most is seeing you sit on the step when I opened the door from work and see your face light up with you shouting daddy daddy daddy. ❤
I would buy you so many awesome toys to leave the room and come back in to find you playing with the box instead grrrrrrr! You loved technology like daddy, as soon as I got my laptop or phone out you were all over it. Even as a baby you managed to take selfies on my phone which I thought was incredible and very clever. As time went on mummy changed, she was not herself and I asked her on numerous occasions if she was ok and if we need to get any help for her.
I felt mummy was jealous of how close we were and I never understood how a parent could be jealous of another parent. That’s just how I felt, but I think it was something a little more than that and tried to get mummy some help but she always refused. It was hard for me as I did not want our relationship to break down, but it takes two people for a relationship to work and your mother was not interested. That is when I had the suspicion that she was seeing someone else and my suspicions came true.
I was heartbroken when I found out it was true and refused to be with someone that did not take out relationship seriously. So, mummy and daddy decided to separate based on mummy seeing someone else and the way she was treating me. Never once did I say I did not want to see you or spend time with you. Mummy made that decision for me because I did not want to be in a relationship with her anymore. She said “If I don’t want to be with her anymore then I did not want to see you anymore”. That was the last time I saw you around May 2015, we went to court as she tried to get you adopted behind my back and I won access to you.
Mummy then decided she was not going to allow me to see you, call you or even write to you and to further alienate me from you. What I am trying to say is I never stopped loving you and I miss you every single day. My heart feels like it has a hole in it for you and only when I can see you again will it be filled. I love you, my beautiful princess.
Until we meet again