One of the harshest realities of separating from a partner when you have a child together is the likelihood that you’re going to have to find a way to keep working as a partnership.
Regardless of whether custody is split 50/50 or if the child is only seeing one parent every other weekend, it is vital for the health and well-being of the children that you and your ex are able to co-parent. This may seem impossible, but remember all the times you’ve said you’ll do anything for your child? Well, this is one of those times! It doesn’t mean you have to be mates with your ex and it certainly doesn’t mean it’ll be easy, but it is completely necessary.
- YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOUR FOCUS
Whenever it starts to feel as if communicating with and working with your ex is too much to be dealing with, remember why you’re doing it. Your children remain your absolute priority and the thing that’s going to get them through a separation is your love and your ability to discuss parenting calmly and rationally with your ex.
- SET UP A LINE OF COMMUNICATION
How you communicate with your ex will vary depending on your circumstances. There was a period when I was forced to require my ex to communicate with me only via a specific email address I had set up for the purpose. She was told I would check it once a day. This meant I was not inundated with unpleasant messages all hours of the day and could check in when I felt up to it. It may be that something similar works for you, but anything – be it email, text, phone or face-to-face – is fine as long as the rules are clearly outlined. A schedule may also be of help so as to stop the receipt of unwanted calls or messages.
- BE HONEST
As much as there may be lots of things you’re unwilling to discuss with your ex, when it comes to co-parenting you have to be honest. If notable things happen when your child is with you (such as erratic behaviour, or perhaps them making an admission about their feelings or worries) then you have to be able to tell your ex. Parenting becomes very hard when you’re not in possession of all the facts and making that job more difficult for your ex out of spite helps absolutely no-one.
- HAVE BOUNDARIES
At the same time, have boundaries. When it comes to your child you must accept and require honesty and transparency, but this does not give your ex license to drag up other issues or make unrelated accusations. This is especially important when one partner has a history of manipulation or abuse. Make it clear that you’ll exit the conversations if they deviate from the subject of parenting, and do just that if they do. If a fight starts brewing, just walk away and come back when you’ve both had time to calm down.
- BE CONSISTENT
Kids are generally at their most content when they know where they stand. If they’re able to get away with certain behaviours with one parent but not the other, that’s confusing for them. You and your ex need to agree to a set of behaviour expectations and have the strength to enforce them. If your ex fails to uphold this, then they’ll have to be challenged. It’s also possibly grounds for limiting access in the eyes of the courts. On that point…
- WRITE IT ALL DOWN
One you’ve agreed upon things like contact schedules and allotted email/phone arrangements, write them down so you both have a copy. This means that should your ex try to change anything, you have documented proof of what they had previously agreed to. This sort of thing is especially important should you end up in court.
- THINK ABOUT HOW YOU SAY THINGS
Barking orders and getting angry at your ex is far less likely to achieve anything than calmly explaining your thoughts and requesting their cooperation. Positive behaviour is far more likely to occur if it’s reciprocated, too. As negative as your feelings may or may not be toward your ex, treat them with respect – even if it’s feigned – and you’re more likely to get the same in return.
- DON’T INTERFERE ON YOUR EX’S TIME
Try as hard as you can not to interfere when your children are with your ex. This is something I really struggled with at first, as I had legitimate concerns about what my daughter was being exposed to. But ultimately you have to accept that your children will have a relationship with your ex and that relationship will be largely independent of you. If you’re worried about negative influences then all you can do (providing your are certain of your child’s safety) is ensure that you’re teaching them what’s right when they’re with you and giving them the strength they need to cope.
- DO NOT BAD MOUTH YOUR EX
Regardless of what you may be feeling, do not criticise your ex to your children. They do not need to hear it. Over time your children will form their own opinions of both of you, and the parent who offered unconditional love, understanding and decency can expect fare best in that situation.
10. EXTENDED FAMILY ACCESS
One of the logistical concerns about co-parenting is the widening of the family net, especially when new partners are introduced. Children can end up with as many as eight grandparents and who knows how many aunties and uncles, and it’s only fair that everyone gets the chance to be involved in the child’s life.
11. IT’S NOT A COMPETITION AND YOU DON’T WIN BY BEING THE ‘FUN’ PARENT
The urge to ensure that the time your kids spend with you is somehow ‘better’ than the time they spend with your ex is often very powerful, but do try to resist it. Don’t be sad if your kids have a good time with your ex – be happy. It’s a good thing. And if you do feel bad about it, the best thing you can do is to make sure they also have a good time with you. No-one wins in the race to be the ‘fun’ parent, however. Fun and discipline need to be a part of both families, and no-one should be allowed to permit guilt to eradicate responsibility. Again, children need to understand boundaries and know where they stand.
12. ACCEPT THAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR EX
It may well be the case that your ex will have some sort of negative impact on your kids. But the truth is that it’s unlikely you’re perfect, either. All people are a mix of good and bad and parents are no different. A vital lesson I learned was that I could not change my ex and I couldn’t stop her doing things that I personally felt she shouldn’t be doing around my daughter. It may well be the case that her mum feels the same. But all I can control is how I behave around her, and if I do my job correctly then my girl should be well equipped to deal with whatever challenges come her way, be that from her mother or anyone else.
Source BLB Solicitors
REAL equal rights for fathers and not just something that is assumed! Petition Started! #babyfathermovement
I just a quick update to say that I have started my Fathers Rights campaign to make real change to the family law and child maintenance services. This is long overdue and I need your help and support to make this a success, I want to say a big thank you to everyone who has support so far.
Please share and sign to support this worthy cause!
#FathersRightsMovement #equalrights #humanrights #childmaintenance #childsupport #follow #followme #babyfathermovement #familylaw #equalparenting #familycourt #brokensysytem #children #divorce #breakups #CoParenting #familylaw #FathersRightsMovement #parentalalienation #endparentalalienation #endbitterwars #jointcustody
This lady says, “when you alienate the father then you’re NOT a single mother. Know the difference between single mother and a single woman”….. I know they’re not going to like this.
Video Credit: Jae Misoyianis
As you are all aware that my petition/campaign will be starting shortly. One thing I have always wanted to know is, why is talking and raising awareness about divorce and breakups such a taboo subject? No one seems to want to discuss or campaign for change but yet they are all happy to moan about it to friends and family! The main reason why it needs to be talked about and changed is the effect it has on children involved and mental health.
I am sick and tired of hearing the same old stories with no real change in the legal system and child maintenance services. We need fundamental changes to benefit everyone and remove the stigma attached to divorce and brake-ups. So, let’s start talking about and make some real changes that benefit everyone and not just one parent. Children seem to always be forgotten during breakups and 80% of the time the father with experience parental alienation during divorce/breakup.
This can have and has had serious mental health effects on the father long term and can lead to deep depression and even suicide in some cases. I want this to stop, no one has the right to stop a father from seeing his child(ren) unless he is deemed a risk which will have the appropriate legal paperwork to support it. Otherwise, all fathers should have and always have access to his children without the mind games and children being used as weapons.
Please support my campaign for real change not assumed father rights just because he is on the birth certificate.
Did you know fathers would be happier to pay child support if they actually had access to there child(ren)? Due to parental alienation and fathers deliberately being stopped from seeing their child(ren) they are more reluctant to pay anything towards that child! Let’s change this mindset and make real changes to family law, child maintenance and peoples general perception of fathers.
Even if you don’t fully support what I am doing I want you to at least understand my message!
Lets stop this!
Lets stop this as well!
#equalparenting #familycourt #brokensysytem #children #divorce #breakups #CoParenting #familylaw #FathersRightsMovement #parentalalienation #endparentalalienation #endbitterwars #babyfathermovement #jointcustody #equalrights #humanrights #childmaintenance #childsupport #follow #followme
#babyfathermovement #equalrights #humanrights #childmaintenance #timeforchange
Some of you might know or may not know the struggles I have had when it comes to seeing or having access to my children. I spend more time in court than I actually do spending time with my kids, I know crazy right! Unfortunately, in the UK the law fully supports fathers being bank accounts for their kids whether your ex-partner allows you to see the kids or not.
We have a clear bias within UK Legal System and Child Maintenance system and needs major reform and transparency. Family courts are a mess and need reforming, instead of treating fathers like second class citizens but as equals you might just get a better reaction from them. My campaign will start next week, whether you’re a single father or in a relationship this will benefit you either way. I believe images speak volumes more so than a load of text by myself explaining what is happening.
If we have a fairer and equal system it will encourage fathers to be part of there kids lives instead of alienating them. We are always saying kids need positive role models, so let’s create a fairer society for all and encourage the father to be that positive role model and not alienate them!
I would appreciate your support and help with this campaign if you would like to get involved please get in touch. It is time for a change and only WE can make it!
#babyfathermovement #equalrights #humanrights #childmaintenance #timeforchange
Please feel free to share the above image and lets get the message out about time for change!