Heartbroken with mum’s new diagnosis! 🙁
I am not sure how to even start this blog as I am so upset seeing mum beautiful strong mother turn into someone I don’t even know anymore. My mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I knew personally for a long time something was wrong with her and this diagnosis just confirmed my suspicions. I have been looking after my mum since I moved back from Kent, I noticed people were around her who were taking advantage of her vulnerability and trying to capitalise from it.
When I moved back I did make it clear to these people that they would not be taking the piss out of my mother’s vulnerability and kindness any more. The eventually got the hint and moved on probably to another vulnerable person. I have so much to say but I am struggling to say it, mainly because of all the stress I have in my life with not being able to see my children etc.
I have noticed I have distanced myself from friends and family dramatically not sure why. I guess maybe peace of mind on my part or stress of worrying about my mother. I am very close to my mum and have been watching over her from when I was old enough to understand what was going on with her. We came from an abusive background and that is the reality of it, my mum experienced domestic violence regularly. I witnessed it regularly and this is why I am so passionate about men not laying hands on any woman no matter what the reason is.
I have always felt the pressure to protect my mother because she has had a very hard life and when she first came to the UK, I never could imagine she ever wanted to end up with a man like my father. My mum was beautiful, loyal, dedicated and very hardworking and all she received in return was an unfaithful, disrespectful and violent husband. I would love to say this man was a good father but unfortunately, I can and I won’t entertain that notion.
When we left my father when I was around 15 years old all I wanted to do was look after my mother and be successful for her. So, she could have a comfortable life and never have to worry about money ever again. Due to my lack of guidance and experience with women, I usually ended up getting manipulated and losing my money regularly. Even though I was somewhat successful, my weakness for the opposite sex was my downfall every time.
Anyway, I was hoping my mum’s later years would be better and she could enjoy life a bit more as she never really had any freedom within her marriage. Then she started to fall ill and I guess the years of stress and abuse did contribute to it and in some cases, I would say accelerated it. I know this is and was a lot of pressure to put on myself growing up but as the youngest child, I felt the need to look after her and protect her.
Fast forward to 2020, here we are with the Alzheimer’s diagnosis. I wanted my mother to be able to enjoy the company of her grandchildren something I wanted more than anything in my life. I wanted my kids to see what a great woman my mother is and how she shaped me to be the man I am today. Unfortunately, due to the two women I chose to have kids with this was never going to happen and the stress and pressure of that every day breaks my heart.
I have recently noticed how quickly this disease is spreading with my mum and I can honestly say it is breaking my heart to watch daily. She does not eat properly, she is very forgetful, she is very anxious, she is scared of everything and everyone, she is practically bed-bound and struggles with day to day living. If I was not here she would not be able to look after herself at all and this is a warning for anyone else’s friend or family member who may have been diagnosed with it.
The financial burden and stress can be overwhelming sometimes and you don’t feel you can talk to anyone about it. You just feel there is no point constantly talking about the situation as it will not change the fact of your responsibilities. It can become quite disheartening and lonely but you just get on with it as you know you have no choice. No one will love and care for your family member as you do and that is why you take on that responsibility.
Recently, mum’s delusions have been getting worse and today she called out in a panic and me being me ran to her aid thinking she hurt herself. She said to me “Mark there is a little girl in my room with a doll, I think it is the little girl from upstairs”. I was like ok, show me what you are talking about, so mum rushes me down to her bedroom in a panic. Look, she points to the wall and ceiling in the corner of her room, I looked over and explained to her there was nothing there.
She looked so confused and upset, I explained to her this is part of the disease and we will work on it together. When she sat there visually upset and said “I think I need to speak to someone” broke my heart. I have never seen my beloved mother like this and I feel so upset for her. It must be so confusing for her and she is probably sitting there thinking she is losing her mind.
I don’t want to see my mother like this so vulnerable and to see it and live with it every day is hard and on top of that doing all the things I do as well it is draining. We will get through this and anyone else who is going through this. You are not alone, you are loved and you are doing a wonderful job even if no tells you. I am telling you and I know how you feel and fully understand what you are going through. It will get better and you can’t do everything on your own so please reach out for support.
Love and peace,